The toughest week of my life is behind me! The mommy bunny has never been so sick. Today is the first day in a week that I am feeling healthy and happy again. I had my first proper meal this morning in a week’s time and it’s the first time in a week that I am not feeling nauseous or that my tummy is not turning. I am elated!
When I was this sick, I actually longed for the everyday menial tasks – to perform them without the nausea, without the discomfort of illness and pain. I longed for it to be easy again to just help The Prince put his underwear on. To get him ready for school. To swing him for the tenth time in a day. I longed to just pick up Queenie every time she cried, and to give her popcorn every time she brought me her little bowl. I longed to just lie next to her again at night and feed her, even if it’s for the third time that night – but just without the sickness. I suddenly realised, when I was sick, how lucky I was to do these every day, mundane things (switch channels, change stories twenty times, make sandwiches the whole afternoon, play outside or in the den, lie on the floor, wipe bums, change nappies, change clothes, feed tummies) – to do these ‘small’ things, without the burden of illness. I have become so grateful for my health. Grateful, grateful, grateful….
Today it feels like I’ve been reprimanding and fighting with my toddler the whole day!! Mommy bunny is super annoyed… And feeling soo guilty about it. I think when you really love your children, you feel very guilty when you realise they are annoying you…
After play school, The Prince INSISTED (insisted!!!) on watching some story with a name I couldn’t understand (something about a ‘tannie’ monster/rhinoceros). After about half an hour of moaning about the ‘aunty/tannie rhinoceros story’ (?!) he started accepting other stories, which I then had to change at least ten times.
Then The Prince wanted to bake cupcakes and I told him we didn’t have the ingredients. He continued asking for cupcakes, stating he was very hungry (but didn’t want anything else) for about half an hour.
Next he wanted to paint and insisted mommy paint with him. I really really didn’t feel like painting. And we had to build puzzles, and I really didn’t feel like building puzzles.
Later he broke a glass, accidentally, then laughed about it. Sigh. I really felt like screaming. Today I was so annoyed.
I guess what I want to know is… Is it okay to feel annoyed by your kids sometimes? Please tell me I’m not alone. Just writing this makes me feel so terribly guilty. I always fear that when I write something negative about my kids that God will take them away from me as punishment. Lord, have mercy on me – and grant me all the patience I need to be a good mother.
The mommy bunny has been feeling strangely at peace with where she is at now in her life. I’m at peace with ‘just’ being with the kids – playing tractors, building blocks, playing dress-up, dancing, watching Sleeping Beauty three times a day, playing figurines, walking in the garden, handing out popcorn and juices, making sandwiches, cleaning the house and clothes and children and bums – the whole day long – everyday. This phase is going to pass one day and my children will never be this ‘in love’ with me again.
I also realised something important about myself this morning that helps me with this stay-at-home mom journey and that all moms should remember: no one on this earth loves my son more than I do. I am the one person in this world that loves my daughter the most. That makes me a pretty important person.
I had such a lovely afternoon yesterday with the kids and just being what I am, that I am afraid that today could never be as good or as fairly easy as yesterday… I think my ‘secret’ for yesterday was to keep it light: after The Prince pulled a whole bush of newly planted flowers from my garden on Wednesday, I was so upset with him I kept saying to him ‘NO NO NO!! NO NO NO NO NO!!’ There was so much confusion on his face and he just kept saying: ‘But I love flowers mommy!’ ‘NO NO NO NO NO!Flowers broken!’ ‘But I love flowers mommy!’.
That night in bed my heart just broke thinking of his face and words. I decided right there that I had to be more patient with the kids – I wanted them to have good memories of mommy being at home with them. And I jut realised again what a privilege it was to spend my days with my children. I somehow got peace in my heart that home with my kids is where I must be – and I will be trying my best to keep it light and full of love at home.
It helps when I have cleaned up the house before The Prince comes home in the afternoons. I think my recipe for now is a more or less clean house before The Prince comes home, and a light and thankful heart for being with my children… to not take everything so seriously. Tomorrow this recipe might not work for me anymore, but I take it one step at a time, and for now, I’m head above water without too much of a paddle.